Sunday, September 22, 2019


Ewwww, David, puff puff,
Moira and Johnny get blitzed—
Alexis is dope!

So, um, forget Purple Mohawk Day, Jello Shot Day or one of those totally made-up, bullshit holidays only Hallmark would hawk. Today, Tinseltown's buzzed over the Emmy Awards and, in case you haven’t heard, it’s gonna be lit—as in hazed, blazed and totally dank. (The word "dank" alone is cause enough for celebration.) 

That’s because Dan Levy (aka, David Rose) and his Schitt’s Creek clan are the breakout stoner stars of this year’s party, so you better start passing that Prada bong. Misplaced it? No worries. Versace, Gucci or any luxury label will work in a pinch.

Catharine O'Hara, aka, fashionista-matriarch Moira Rose, might even quip, “Can any mere mortal honestly imaaagine how fashion-forwardly fetching a lovely leather-bound Anne Demeulemeester bong would be-ee-eee-eeee? The runways are simply atwitter... it’s this season’s must-have MUST-haaave. And it comes with a little lock—like a chastity belt for your bubbler. Funny, I've heard that before. Anyway, they just won't be able to KEEP them in the stores! I should knooowww." (Disclaimer: only Moira herself could actually pull off that first sentence.)

More importantly, what would the stylish Emmy nominee even wear to a kickass smoke sesh? "If I can impart any perspicacious piece of advice, let it be this: one must always choose the appropriate wig for smizzin' 'dat wizzo. Cinderella 99 is my go-to smoking bob because Mary Jane is a little too bitchy, a lit-tle too expected with her long, luxurious, carefree locks. Just the thought of such beauty being singed to a crisp is grounds for electro-shock therapy. I remember my first time... it's way too mess-ssy. All the tiny diamonds popped off my mani-ped-i. And we can’t have a repeat performance of tha-a-aa-aaat.” 

Lest we forget, along with the couture paraphernalia comes award-worthy weed. (The good Schitt?) We’ll take Hollywood OG for a $1,000, Alex-is. This heady, indica-dominant strain hits almost immediately, producing long-lasting, intensely relaxing, creativity-boosting highs with a tangy, floral-y aroma. Suits Johnny to a tee.

As everyone is now aware, David likes the “weed and not the strain” (indica, sativa and hybrids that are a little of both) and Alexis doesn’t just toke her way through life—she Chihuly-chooms through it with really nice pavé crystal-covered pipes. Each family member may have their preference, but might we suggest schwaggin' some bougie Beverly Hills OG before the big night? Rumored to have first been grown on a swanky 90210 rooftop, this indica-dominant hybrid is sure to have the entire town rolling off beds backwards à la Stevie.

The Roses have unconditionally won our hearts—regardless of their penchant for 24k rolling papers. Perhaps Netflix execs would consider adding Schitt’s-inspired varieties to their 2019 designer strain collection? Who wouldn’t want to hotbox with some “David Rose-G,” “A Little Bit A-La-La-La-La-La-La Alexis Kush,” “Johnny’s Dream” or “Moira Gold?” It certainly elevates the meaning of Netflix and chill. 

Being that their new digs are time-warped in a hamlet that out-Mayberry’s Mayberry itself, the pressing question is—which local yokel is their dealer? Mayor Roland Schitt (Chris Elliott) seems like a sure bet since he busted out the bud at the barn party but, as Moira would quip, "He's waaay too obvious. You could see it in his shifty little rat eyes a mile away." And we can't have any of tha-aa-aaa-at.

Want some ooey-gooey goodness while watching Schitt’s kick the other nominees to the curb? Check out @eaze and @leafly. Like this post? Join our canna-fam—comment, follow, like, subscribe, share and help spread some joie de weed. Visit for socials, videos and more blazin’ badassery!


No comments:

Post a Comment


Frankenberry baked Witches Weed an’ Ghost OG Zonked on Zombie Kush. Ghouls be damned! Whether recreating an iconic (...